A World of Opportunity

Last Friday I saw one of the most enlightening TV commercials ever aired, and since then I've been waiting and waiting for them to play it again so I can be sure I wasn't hallucinating. But it's starting to seem like that commercial was a once-in-a-lifetime viewing opportunity, so I'll go ahead and impart its wisdom in a message to all of my current, former and future interns, as well as to my little sister Liv:

If you want a fun job where you get to spend time with your friends, travel, work in magazines and be on TV, then hear this: there is NO REASON to go to college. Who needs the stress? Who needs the 30-year student loan repayment plans? The solution to your life's ambitions can be found in one elegantly suggestive two-syllable word: Hooters.

That's right, ladies, the Hooters restaurant chain is on the prowl for reliable new employees. In the recruitment commercial (aired on E! during a rerun of The Girls Next Door), an optimistic college student visits her guidance counselor and describes the qualities she's looking for in a grownup job (fun, magazines, travel, friends, etc.). The counselor gets in just one derisive snort before the co-ed suddenly remembers Hooters and flounces out, ready to begin her new life.

And why not? Hooters has a lot to offer. For one thing, you get unlimited free tube socks. You get a meal plan that includes all the wings you can eat (the resulting cellulite is easily hidden by flesh-toned dance tights), and one voucher per year for a round-trip ticket to Vegas on Hooters Airlines (you do have to serve peanuts during the flight).

It's too late for me to get on the Hooters fast track, since I already went to college and developed a wrinkle on my forehead. Plus, orange isn't really my color. But it's a pretty sweet deal, so all I'm saying to the next generation is: give it some thought.

Family Ties

My family and friends are a bunch of excellent people, they really are. Creative, soulful, funny, gossipy, good with dogs, and of course, great hair—basically they have it all. But if for some reason I was forced to trade them in for characters from my current rotation of favorite reality TV shows, my list would go something like this:

Dad: Hands down, the coolest dad on TV right now is Rev Run of Run's House on MTV. Who wouldn't respect a man who texts inspirational messages to his congregation while soaking in bubble baths? Also, it was great when he proved an important point by dressing up in a gorilla suit to pick Russy up at the bus stop, after Russy complained of embarrassment over the family Bentley (I used to feel that way about the Drury Volkswagen Vanagon, until the hippie kids told me it was awesome and begged to buy it off us).

Mom: Oprah. Even though she's never been a mom, she'd obviously be good at the job. If there were a McDonald's-esque sign outside the Harpo studios advertising Oprah's maternal-style successes, it would read: "Billions nurtured!"

Big Sister: Definitely Leila Ali from Dancing With the Stars. She would totally have my back and beat up any toolbags who dared cross me.

Boyfriend: Clearly, Ian Ziering of Dancing With the Stars (and 90210) fame. Did you see how sweet he was with Cheryl, his dancing partner, when they got voted off last night? He kept giving her all the credit for how far they made it in the competition and slipping in favorable comments about her looks. He also gave her numerous lingering hugs. I swear there's something going on there.

Little Sister: For this I'll go with American Idol's Jordin Sparks. She's sassy, but not bratty. Plus, family members always get to be in the American Idol audience.

Little Brother: I'm used to the "wild child" variety of brother (and I mean that ever so affectionately, LCD), so I'd probably have to go with Jason Wahler, the bad boy of Laguna Beach. Granted, he's an insufferable a-hole, but he'd be a cute addition to the family. I probably could've set him straight before he ended up with an extended jail sentence.

Best Friend: Ryan Seacrest. Due to his apparent asexual status and the fact that I would still be shorter than him in heels, we could carry on a completely platonic relationship in which I would be his standby date for the Grammy's, the Oscars, the American Idol wrap party, etc.

P.S. This morning I had a bit of a confrontation with a transient who was feeding Rainbo bread to the geese and their little chicks in the park. This is a strictly forbidden activity, and there are plenty of signs indicating as much. Anyway, as I approached the feeding frenzy, there were so many giant birds blocking my path I feared for my life. I literally could not pass, so I pointedly removed one of my Ultimate Ears UE-5 professional mold earphones and noted sternly: "This is ridiculous."

"It's Nature," the man replied.

"Well," I huffed, concealing my terror as I navigated the throng of flying feathers and ominous-looking beaks. "They're SUPPOSED to be in Canada!"

Who knows if that's true, but it sounded great. They are, after all, Canadian geese.