Monday, January 1, 2007

To Do and Not To Do

Well, another New Year's Eve come and gone. I honestly have no idea how anyone lives up to the pressure to have so much Fun! Fun! Fun!, seeing as it's a close second to Valentine's Day for Most Overrated Night of the Year. But, rather than relive fiascos of New Year's Eves past (fights, tears, hours spent waiting for cabs, bad champagne, itchy sparkle sweaters, etc.), I think we'd all be better off with a few lists:

Five Things I Shall Do in 2007
1. Eat strawberries straight off the vine (something I just had an uncontrollable craving for due to the fact that I'm drinking a raspberry-apple Vitamin Water, which is somewhat reminiscent of a melted strawberry smoothie).
2. Go on a trip that does not involve taking Lake Shore Drive South to I-55; then 90/94 to Indiana; then the Indiana Toll Road to I-65 South; remaining on I-65 South through Indianapolis and stopping at O'Charley's for a chicken salad; counting down the last 100 miles; and taking I-71 to the Zorn Avenue exit in Louisville.
3. Wear colors other than black.
4. Pay off my Bloomingdale's and other similar charge accounts and shred the cards into a million little pieces.
5. Somehow, some way, get tickets to Oprah.

Five Things I Shall Not Do in 2007
1. Stare at various illuminated screens for more than half of a 16-hour day.
2. Forget people's names immediately upon meeting them.
3. Live under the assumption that people who have met me more than three times do not know my name.
4. Answer 4AM calls from notorious drunk dialers, especially on weeknights.
5. Become addicted to an array of new and incredibly tempting MTV programming, including shows with such titles as "I'm From Rolling Stone" and "Maui Fever."

Five Things I'm Not Desperate to Do Ever Again
1. Eat at Steak & Shake.
2. Forget there's a large but hidden hole in the floorboard of my car; take car through the automatic carwash with the "undercarriage spray" option; spend the next two days waiting for the bubbles to recede.
3. Be startled awake and momentarily placed under the impression that the city is under siege when my upstairs neighbor drops what are probably 50-lb. blocks of steel onto the floor directly above my head at 3:23AM.
4. Pay $75 for a single bag of groceries at Whole Foods.
5. Stand on my bed, frantically trying to hold the vacuum close enough to the ceiling so that it sucks up a swift-moving, 8-billion-legged centipede before the insect can fall on me in the dark and take refuge in my hair.