MTV Guide

Due to the aforementioned unpleasant weather conditions in the city of Chicago, I've been watching highly detrimental quantities of MTV. In fact, studies show that my brain has withered to half its normal size over the month of February. But if there's one thing I've learned, it's that there's a lot more to MTV programming than the TV Guide capsule descriptions imply.

As a latecomer to the realm of digital cable, I remain fascinated with the control-it-yourself TV Guide feature and the "Info" button, which allows one to read the premise of a show before it is aired. But, if I were allowed to write the "Info" for some of the MTV shows I watch regularly (OK, repeatedly), I would really try to get my facts straight. See below.

MY SUPER SWEET 16

TV Guide premise: Teens plan elaborate 16th-birthday parties.

Emma's premise: Suburban youths make regrettable formalwear selections and emulate gangsta behaviorisms/porn-inspired dance moves at parties costing more than it will take to elect a new president in 2008.

THE HILLS

TV Guide premise: A reality series following Lauren Conrad from 'Laguna Beach' as she moves to Los Angeles, where she tries to break into the fashion industry, starting with an internship at Teen Vogue.

Emma's premise: A succession of blondes in designer sunglasses pine over unattractive sub-par love interests and practice the art of the long pause.

MAUI FEVER

TV Guide premise: A reality series following the lives of seven young people in Kaanapali, Maui.

Emma's premise: Against a lush tropical backdrop, people tanned to the point of crackling and in severe need of Blistex engage in elementary relationship-oriented dialogue using such key phrases as "I'm like, way bummed," "I'm super stoked," and "are you sad?"

ENGAGED & UNDERAGE

TV Guide premise: Following young engaged couples (ages 18-21) in the final weeks before their weddings.

Emma's premise: Mere children don bridal attire and make public declarations of love to fiancées for whom they have previously expressed extreme dislike.

Every Millisecond Counts (Conversational Shortcuts)

For those of you who can't be bothered to utter complete words in everyday conversation, please refer to this list of my favorite and most often used acronyms:

T.C. = Time Check OR Temperature Check
Usage 1: "Isn't American Idol coming on any minute now? Let's get a T.C., please."
Usage 2: "I know! Let's go around the circle and guess how cold it is outside; then we'll turn on the Weather Channel for a T.C.!"
Usage 3 (advanced): [To person with remote] "Can I get a T.C. on channel 96 and a T.C. on 99?"

P.T.H. = Ponytail Holder
Usage: "My hair's suffocating me to death. Does anyone have an extra P.T.H.?"

G.C. = Good Call
Usage: "Let's stop at Starbucks for hot apple ciders." "Oh, G.C."

V.R. = Volume Reduction
Usage: "Good Lord, I'm trying to concentrate on my crossword puzzle! Let's get a V.R. on that State of the Union address!"

V.I. = Volume Increase
Usage: "Are we watching this or not? V.I., please! I can't tell if they said Marissa DIED or she needs a RIDE."

B.T.S. = Back to Sleep
Usage: "My insomnia was so bad last night I was forced to watch an episode of The Real Housewives of Orange County to help me get B.T.S."

R.O. = Roll Out
Usage: "I can't listen to that Beyonce song again, and plus, my feet hurt. It's time to R.O."

G.P. = General Public OR Gently Priced
Usage 1: "There's no way I'm paying cover. That is sooo G.P."
Usage 2: Q. "What kind of wine should I get?" A. "Just grab something G.P."
Usage 3 (advanced): Q. "Where should we go for dinner?" A. "I'm in the market for somewhere G.P. but not too G.P."