Are You Kidding Me, Angelina Jolie?

Dear Angelina Jolie,

No offense, but are you f-ing kidding me? Do you really have to name one of your new babies Amelie?

Now, I realize there’s a one-letter difference between my name (Amalie with an “a”) and your possibly infant/possibly unborn daughter’s (Amelie with an “e”), but trust me, problems will arise.

For starters, both of us are famous, and people are going to confuse us all the time.

Secondly, people will constantly hear little Amelie’s name on TV, and as a result they will start mangling my name even more than usual, I just know it. That’s what happened when the French movie Amélie came out. Not that I don’t adore both Audrey Tautou and Amélie to death and consider it a prized component of my own DVD collection, but the bottom line is that I do not pronounce my name the ooh-la-la French way. Now it's all I’ll ever hear.

Finally, you have just ruined what has thus far been an excellent writer’s name: instantly recognizable, memorable, somewhat confusing, with a hint of exotic flair. Now there will be screaming tiny Amelies all over the place, and even though Amalie hasn’t been on the list of top baby names since 1883 (when it was ranked 822nd in popularity), I’m sure all variations of the name will skyrocket in usage right away. I might as well just call myself Chrissy or Tanya or something.

Well, whatever. I guess there’s no turning back now. I’m flattered that you want to name your child after me, but you owe me big time.

Love,
Amalie (the original)