Extreme Good Sports

My visiting mother had a splitting headache on Saturday, so I decided to go ahead and take her and her boyfriend Dewey (a political science professor at my alma mater, the University of Louisville) on the Seadog Extreme, billed as the “most horse-powered commercial vessel of its kind currently cruising the Great Lakes.”

“Oh, that’s the one where they take you out and slam you around for an hour,” said my sister Claire, when our mom told her about our Seadog adventure via cell phone prior to boarding.

Fully living up to the hype, the Seadog sped, it spun, it stopped on a dime. Welcome to the jungle!!! screamed Axl Rose over the sound system. In the end, though, the 30-minute ride proved surprisingly smooth. We were all soaked to the bone with 60-degree Lake Michigan water and I was curiously dizzy as we walked to Fox & Obel afterwards for double chocolate cookies, but everyone had tons of fun overall. There were just a few iffy moments—I think this picture pretty much sums things up:

Later that day, I took Mom and Dewey on what I like to call “Emma’s Obama Mania Tour,” a presidential candidate enthusiast’s outing which you may remember was developed in conjunction with my sister Liv back in March. The tour includes drive-bys of Barack Obama’s house in Hyde Park, his campaign headquarters on Michigan Avenue, his controversial former church, the University of Chicago campus where he taught and the South Shore neighborhood where future First Lady Michelle grew up.

As tour operator, I strive to maintain a certain level of professionalism while navigating the city streets and pointing out highlights, but this weekend, my concentration was challenged by conversations such as this one:

Mom: Sweetie, do you want a sip of my Diet Coke?
Dewey: No, that’s all right.
Mom: Well, I thought you might like a sip to go with your chips. This is a huge Diet Coke.
Dewey: But you know, I don’t really drink Diet Coke. It’s just so…I don’t know, it’s like poison or something. It’s so bad for you. But you go ahead and drink it, hon.
Mom: Well, not now that you ruined it for me!
Dewey: Now sweetie, I didn’t mean to, it's just that I don’t like Diet Coke. But you go ahead and drink it if you like it and that’s fine by me.
M: I do like it! Nothing could stop me from drinking it. You know I need my fizz.
Emma (swerving across four lanes): Please look to your right for a view of Buckingham Fountain, featured on the hit show Married With Children and scheduled to undergo a multimillion dollar renovation this fall!

Honestly.

P.S. When will I ever cease ascribing human emotions to inanimate objects? I cannot convey my depth of guilt at throwing away uneaten produce from my refrigerator. Imagine a bell pepper's dismay at being cruelly tossed into a Dumpster after waiting all its life to be part of a delicious meal. Tonight’s dinner shall be titled: Every Vegetable Known to Man with Rice.