Tuesday, July 29, 2008

What Drives Them To It?

Mere moments ago, my friend Jeff forwarded me an e-mail with a link to pictures of an infant child recently born to his high-school ex-girlfriend, who is now happily cohabitating with a fine gentleman back home in Louisville (“He cussed in front of the nurse!” Jeff marveled, after visiting the couple in the hospital post-birth).

Though I’ve never met this ex, I’ve heard many tales about her life and therefore feel somewhat connected to her, so I clicked through to view her new offspring. I saw the baby wrapped in a pink blanket, the baby wearing a hat, the baby drooling, the baby in a car seat, the baby with her hair twisted into spikey little points. Cutie patootie. Then suddenly, the most shocking image appeared on my screen: a close-up of THE BIRTH ITSELF. Gag me with a spoon! As Jenny Berg would say, I cannot. I absolutely refuse to. Why anyone would choose to expose such details I’ll never know.

Then again, I’ll never understand why people buy animals whose certain areas are not tastefully shielded by fluff and whose eyeballs might eject during a forceful sneeze. For instance, I once dated someone who owned a pug. (Previous to the pug, he had dachshunds, another questionable choice for a person more than six feet tall. He treated them all in the manner of “disposable pets,” handing them off to his parents when he tired of their puppyish ways. As one might imagine, this illuminating little habit crept into many other aspects of his character.) Anywho, whenever that dog sat on anything, all I could think about was Bacteria.

One more: There is a woman on the lakefront path whose workout ensemble is all the exact same pink as her skin. What would possess her to appear as if jogging in the nude?

P.S. Quotes of the Week:

Raquel, a particularly enthusiastic dental hygienist: “You know what I really can’t get enough of? That Johnson & Johnson floss. Not the wax; it’s woven, almost more like yarn. It feels so good to get my teeth real clean with that. Ooh! I can’t wait to go home and do it again.”

The aforementioned Jeff Corney: “Everyone is the same. They all want two things in life: an iPhone and true love.”


Jeff said...

I’m glad you cited my quote at the end, but I feel like you may be missing the necessary backup information. I think it went more like this:

Location: Lincoln Fest Street Fair
Status: pushed, crowded and cramped

Jeff: “Emma! Abort mission, Abort Mission! I’m getting crushed!”
Emma: “We are surrounded by the GP. I mean honestly.”

(Out of the festival)

Emma: “Oh great, now we smell like hot dogs and beer.”
Jeff: “Man, it just goes to show you, there are a lot of people in the world. I mean, have you seen the Apple Store line? That phone’s been out over two weeks, and there is still a four hour wait. It just goes to show you, everyone wants the same thing in life: an iPhone & true love.
Jeff: “Do you have oil blotters?”
Emma: “Yes, the purple ones.”
Jeff: “I’ll be needing two please.”

To see offending baby pictures:

LG said...

"An Ipod and true love," Corney, you are a genius.

Colleen Snell said...

I've been busy lately, but you've clearly been hilarious. I'm adding you to every blogroll I can find. Thanks for the end-o-the-day giggles.

You too, Jeff.